We all know that if you have more than one child, you aren’t supposed to have a favorite. We all love all of our children equally! But, that doesn’t mean that they get equal attention, have the same needs, or require the same type of parenting from you. How do you not play favorites when you clearly have a child that just needs more? More from you. More attention. More time. More effort. And the bigger question is… How do you let the other child(ren) know that they are just as loved and as important?

Emerson was born just 25 months after her brother, AJ. I was so excited to have our family grow. She was an easy baby. She had no other option. I was running around after a toddler, so she learned to self soothe from a very early age. If I had both kids crying, the one that was mobile got my attention. Emerson went to sleep easily. She was a good eater and sleeper and was the “easy” child that God knew I needed. She was sort of just along for the wild ride that I was already on with AJ.

As she got older, and started meeting the developmental milestones that I had seen in AJ, I quickly realized that she was going to be very different than him. She could sit still. She would respond when talked to. She cried at the slightest amount of discipline, rather than laughed as AJ did. I could rely on her to make good choices, be kind to those around her, and to listen! What a new concept!

Now, Emerson is almost 5 and AJ just turned 7. People ask me all the time if they are twins. They could be. Emerson has by far surpassed AJ in maturity, decision making, and self control. She is also neurotypical and doesn’t have ADHD like her brother. She is independent and wants to choose her clothes every day. She has determination and grit and can do anything that she sets her mind to! She rode a two wheel bike at 2 years 7 months, without help. She can focus, learn, and use strategy while playing checkers. She is also sassy and stubborn…. sort of like her Mom.

So why is this a topic to share? Every morning my kids climb in bed with me, and then we all cuddle until my alarm goes off. Then AJ grabs the TV remote (of course) and Emerson grabs her tablet and they watch whatever, while I get ready for work. Without fail, every single morning, they fight. AJ hits her, impulsively, every morning. In the middle of a peaceful moment, he starts in. Emerson has learned to fight back, and is able to protect herself most of the time. But it crushes me knowing that she starts her day physically and emotionally attacked.

At any chance he can, AJ will hit and kick and throw things at his sister… just because she is present. She can be fully doing her own thing and he still goes after her. I intervene and stop him in that moment, but then the cycle begins again. He is impulsive and doesn’t respond to discipline. I have tried it all. When he was much younger, I spanked. He just laughed. Part of SPD is that he has a very high tolerance to pain. And then, he learned to hit back. So that strategy back-fired. I took things away. But he didn’t care. I made charts… with stickers… and rewards… and nothing worked. My husband and I even went to a parenting class… and still no difference.

Regardless, I do whatever I have to do to keep Emerson safe. The hardest part of it all, is that Emerson LOVES her brother. She always wants to include him, play with him, share with him, and engage with him. She trusts him… even though I can’t understand why. For her entire life, she has gotten the short end of the stick. She never gets to choose the movie or the outing or what we eat for dinner. His needs lead our days.

The other night while putting Emerson to bed, I asked her if she wanted to say bedtime prayers. I started, “Dear God, I am thankful for…” Of course, at the top of her list, was AJ. She was also thankful for the rest of our family, grandparents, cousins, the dog, and her friends. Then I said, “Dear God, Please help me with…” She paused for a moment and then said, “Dear God, please help AJ to be calm. Please help him to not hit me everyday!”

I was heartbroken. My precious little girl, the one who had been beaten up most of her days as a toddler, had just showed me how much she was hurting. I couldn’t help but think about how much damage her brother had caused her. And what did that mean for her future? I feel helpless in so many ways. This little girl gets looked over, dragged along, and given a fraction of the attention of her brother, and I don’t know how to do it all differently.

I try hard to show her so much love and make sure I give her the special moments of attention that she deserves, but the reality is, it is still less. Because she is the “easy” one, she gets less than her brother. She always has. Less choice. Less attention. Less support. Less time. Less hugs. When she was a newborn, her needs were met, so it was what it was. But now, she is older and she can take it all in. She can see and feel the differences in how I parent them. Does this mean she feels like she is loved less? I hope not. I pray not. But have I picked a favorite without even realizing it?