I always knew that I wanted to have kids. That was a given in life. What I didn’t know, what I couldn’t comprehend, were all of the life changes that come with the title… Mom.

I grew up in an amazing California community. We lived in a neighborhood that had sidewalks, streetlamps, a community pool, and a park right in my own backyard. I lived with both of my parents, two brothers, and at times, even a dog. My Dad worked and my Mom stayed home with us kids, until I was in elementary school. It was like a fairytale. So naturally, I thought I would have something similar to that when I grew up.

I started teaching the year after I graduated from college. I made a whopping $34,000 a year… and lived in San Francisco. So basically, I was beyond broke. My Dad was in finance. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps because he was concerned that I wouldn’t be financially stable as a teacher. (I maybe should have listened!) But I didn’t, and I entered my chosen profession with my head down running. I was determined to prove my Dad wrong. I would be financially stable! Unfortunately, that is as far ahead as I thought.

In those first three years as a teacher, I continued my education, earning more college credits so that I could earn a larger paycheck. After that, I decided a Masters program was the next logical step. I taught full-time and went to classes on the weekends. It was a crazy two years, but I made it through. Then I was on the fast track! Within the next six years, I made three job changes and moved up in titles. Teaching – then Counseling – and then Assistant Principal. I had two degrees and four credentials. I was thriving in Education! I was doing it MY way… take that Dad!

Then, just when I was finally financially stable, life changed. I met my husband, got engaged, got married, bought a house, got a dog, and got pregnant… all within a two year period. Whew! I could take almost all of those changes in stride, but when I became pregnant, I changed. My mindset changed. My view of my life, my purpose, and my future goals… all changed in a flash. After all, I was going to be a Mom!

As an Assistant Principal, I worked very long hours. My job required me to be 110% dedicated all of the time. I needed to be able to be at evening obligations, after school sports, early morning meetings, and on-campus during the school day. How was I going to make it work and be the mom I wanted to be???

Remember, I had a dream upbringing. I wanted to provide that for my own child. But how? How was I going to work early mornings and still breastfeed? How was I going to make homecooked meals and be at the after-school events? How? How? How? I was immediately stressed by all of it. Something had to give. It wasn’t going to be parenting, so I changed my career path.

I jumped out of the fast-lane in an instant. No more “thrills” from nailing the job interview. No more “feelings of accomplishment” at seeing school-wide changes come to fruition because of my efforts. No more big salary increases!

When my son was eight months old, I returned to education, but this time as a Teacher, not an Assistant Principal. Teaching is a noble and challenging profession, but in my mind, it was a step back. It went against everything I had been working toward for the last 13 years of my professional life. And it hurt. It hurt my core to make that change. I knew WHO I was making that change for, but I still didn’t understand why. Why did I have to do it? Why couldn’t I do it all? (Clearly, I put a lot of pressure on myself.)

Returning to teaching not only hurt my ego, but also hurt my financial stability… my Dad was winning.. Grrr. With one big choice, I decreased my annual salary by $40,000. That is more than I made my first year teaching! When my son was born and I returned to work, we needed someone to watch him. Our childcare expenses grew. Who knew kids were so expensive?! So, in addition to making the career decisions I felt I was forced to make, and being crazy hormonal as a new mom, and sleep deprived, I was having financial struggles as well. But again, it was all by choice. Or was it?

So, my question is why? Why did I have to give up one thing I was so passionate about for another thing I wanted so badly? Why couldn’t I do both. Was it because I wanted to be the kind of mother that I had… making hot breakfast every day and going to every school event? Was it because I wanted to be that room parent and PTA involved mom that my friends parents were? Was it because my husband had a demanding job, so I stepped up as the primary parent for our newborn child? Was it the pressure and expectation of society to be the perfect mom? I’m still not sure.

I love my children more than anything. They are both (I have two now) blessings and are my whole world. But, it’s been 7 years since I made that major career change. I do love teaching and value my job everyday, but I still often wonder why? Why did I have to sacrifice my dream job, my passion, my stability, my energy… when I chose to become a Mom?